You just messed with The Negotiator!!
James Dolan, sweating profusely, pulls out his cell phone and dials a number.
PHONE COMPUTER VOICE: Calling, Isiah Thomas. Please wait through the music while we reach your party.
Keep smiling
Keep shining
Knowing you can al-ways count on meeee
For Suuure
That’s what friends are (CLICK)
ISIAH: Jimmy!!
DOLAN: Hey Zeke! Glad you’re there.
ISIAH: You know I always am.
DOLAN: Thanks, buddy. I gotta say this whole negotiating thing is killing me. I mean…..this is HARD.
ISIAH: I know it is man, but listen, you’ve been doing great! Especially for your first time.
DOLAN: I know I’m awesome like you said, but with Daddy’s company I never did this. I just raised the prices at 3am of some weekday and if anyone had a problem they could suck it. This is different.
ISIAH: Yeah, uh hold on for a sec Jim…………..HEY!, Come on ref, that was a travel!!……..hey bud…..
DOLAN: Is this a bad time?
ISIAH: Naw man, just coaching a game.
DOLAN: Oh, what’s the score?
ISIAH: Uuhhhh, says we’re down by four with a minute and a half to go.
DOLAN: Really, I can call back.
ISIAH: Pfft, come on! This is like the seventh call you’ve made this half. What’s the problem?
DOLAN: Well, I’ve given them Gallinari, Felton, the extra draft picks and the year’s supply of Five Guys burgers like you said.
ISIAH: And?
DOLAN: They were about to say yes until they got a message saying that Carmelo was re-re-re-REconsidering the offer from the Nets! Now they want some guy named Mozgov too.
ISIAH: Who is he?
DOLAN: I dunno. But they keep asking for stuff!
ISIAH: Exactly! You’ve got them right where you want them. They’ve run out of options so they’re asking for nobodies now. It’s just like the Marbury deal I made. Give them everything until you have no flexibility for the future left and then they’ll have no choice but to deal.
DOLAN: I can’t lose him to the fucking Nets! I’ll look like an idiot.
ISIAH: No you won’t, we’ll just pin it on Oldie McMarlboro.
DOLAN: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! It’s funny when you call Donnie that. Oh crap, that’s him on the other line. Can you hold?
ISIAH: Sure. (Buzzer goes off in the background)
DOLAN: (presses button) Yes, Donnie.
WALSH: Sir, I just saw on the television that we’re now including Timofey Mozgov, our only guy over seven feet, in this deal?!?!
DOLAN: Maybe……kinda…..it was brought up.
WALSH: Sir, I must object. Carmelo Anthony will only sign with us. We have the leverage. I could get him for half of what you’re giving.
DOLAN: Donnie, come on now. We’re all on the same page on this. Don’t you remember the letter we sent out to the press?
WALSH: When I saw it on television.
DOLAN: Look, Mr. Walsh, you don’t seem to get it. You’ve done a nice job getting us to this point but now it’s time for me to come in and put this deal to bed. You see, …(pulls out index card to read from)….I can relate to the players of today because I am from the hood. You are old and need new hips. Carmelo will never sign with you. Only I can get Carmelo. And Chris Paul, because he worships me and will pay the Knicks to play for them.
WALSH: Sir, are you reading from index cards that Isiah gave you?
DOLAN: NO! (throws the cards aside) How dare you!! Listen, I’m just about to finally get this done instead of farting around like you’ve been! I’m gonna be a hero! So get the order of Five Guys like I told you and let me finally get Carmelo Anthony!! (CLICK) JEEZ!!
Zeke?
ISIAH: Hold on bro, just drawing a play for the final shot………..um, just chuck a three. Okay I’m back.
DOLAN: So should I give them this Mozgov guy?
ISIAH: Absolutely. They’ll have no choice but to make the trade!
DOLAN: YES! Okay, I’m gonna call them back and make it happen! Thanks, man. I couldn’t have done this without you.
ISIAH: I know.
DOLAN: ……..I wish you were up here again.
ISIAH: Me too, bro.
DOLAN: Okay, I’m gonna call Denver now.
ISIAH: Go get em, man!! And Jim?
DOLAN: Yes, buddy?
ISIAH: You’re about to get Carmelo Anthony.
DOLAN: We’re about to get Carmelo Anthony.
ISIAH: Cool. Call me when it’s over. (CLICK) Awwwww, damn. We lost again????
this is freaking hilarious man
[...] me as one of the minority (and based on the reaction to my “Art of the Deal” skit post, the uber-minority) who had the initial euphoria of finally acquiring Carmelo Anthony [...]